At some point, every Dom asks the same question: how do I actually get better at this?

Googling “how to be a better Dom” will give you endless variations of the same advice: consent, consistency, communication. And while those are absolutely essential (and I’ve written about them myself in “What It Takes to Be a Safe Dom”), there’s a deeper layer that often gets overlooked.

The question itself is centered on you: how do I become a better Dom? So let’s take the submissive out of the equation for a moment and focus on what you’re doing on your own.

Because one thing I’ve learned over time is this; dominance doesn’t start in a dynamic. As cliché as it sounds, it starts from within. It starts with you.

This won’t be a step-by-step guide or a top 10 list on how to improve. I want to provide thought-provoking introspection. I’m giving you things to consider; things that should make you question your own actions.

Discipline. One of the most prominent and universally agreed-upon values of a Dominant and a healthy dynamic. We often view this as something we offer to a submissive, but how often do we apply it to our own lives?